Rollerblading +
resolved conflict
= Purse-a-nality

8 years ago my life changed forever…
I walked into a bible study in Tulsa. The study was called “Lord, Give me a heart for you“ by Kay Arthur.
I had just moved to Tulsa from Atlanta and thought it would be a great way to meet some people. Settled into the first week of this bible study doing my homework. Second week ... got to the next
chapter entitled “Resolving Conflicts.” Ouch!

You see, I had a secret. When I moved from Atlanta to Tulsa several years ago I left behind some unresolved conflict. I thought the move would make it better… that I could forget this person that she
would “go away” and that I would never have to talk to her again; that she didn’t exist; that I hated her; that she hated me. You get the drift. Guess what. The distance made no difference at all. This particular bible study chapter kept addressing this issue and I just wanted to skip it. No one would know. But I kept reading. Thank God.

Part of the homework was making a list. Jane was first on my list. My Dad was second. Jane was my husband’s ex-wife. Jane and I had started our relationship out fairly well considering the circumstances. My marriage to my husband, Ron, came about quickly. Having met him and Jane a few years prior, I had gotten to know Jane as I was their kids’ rollerblade instructor. “Mr. and Mrs. Houghton had a lovely home, a great relationship and two beautiful children Lauren (age 4 at that time) and Trent (age 3). That year, their grandfather bought them a week’s worth of roller blade lessons from me as their Christmas present.

Back then, a regular day for me consisted of a carefree drive in my rollerblade van from neighborhood to neighborhood in Atlanta teaching hundreds of children the do’s and don’ts of safe skating (remember
when rollerblading was the rage?) and the basics of staying vertical on a pair of skates zipping down the sidewalk. I was having a blast. After their lesson one day, I remember dropping Trent and Lauren off at
home and seeing Ron busily working on remodeling their home …yes, tool belt and all…and casually mentioning to my brother who was also with me at the time “now that’s the type of guy I need to marry.” At our first meeting, Ron and I exchanged hellos and he thanked me for bringing the kids home.

Leaving their driveway not to see him again for more than two years, he seemed the vision of a great father and husband. Little did I know what God had in store for me next. More than two years later, a friend called me and said guess who got divorced. I had no clue. You guessed it...Ron and Jane. No way! Now, by that time I had been through at least a couple of different boyfriends, engaged once and was dating a guy on the West coast and one on the East coast. When my friend mentioned Ron had asked her about the “roller blade teacher” she told him I had never married but was “very busy” and agreed to pass along his interest in asking me out on a date. My reaction? “Are you crazy? A divorced guy with two kids? You gotta’ be kidding me?” But after thinking it through a bit ( I had never thought about dating a divorced man), knowing I was pushing 30 and feeling like my options were starting to run out figured I’d give it a go.

Well, they say “you know when you know.” When you meet your soul mate you just get that feeling. One week after our first date I got that feeling. Thought the feeling in my gut would never leave. Started to argue with God. What? A divorced dad with kids? Yep. He is the one I have chosen for you. He is the one. We were married 10 weeks after our first date. Fifteen years later, he still is the same great husband. Same great father. Same tool belt.

Buckled my seatbelt and off we went. A week after we were married, the “realities” of his divorce arrangements began to set in. We were to have his kids one month in the summer, every other weekend and one night during the week. Oh… and also write a lot of checks until they turned 18. Did I say a lot of checks? Step mother training camp officially had started. With me, like I do everything else, it is all or nothing so I welcomed this opportunity head on. I was going to be the best step mom ever. I as going to win the prize.I will always remember that first week. We were renting a small corporate apartment in Orlando. The kids walked in and wanted to know “where the rest of it was?” Keep in mind that during the two months before we married I had only seen the kids a few times. I guess I was thinking you just “pet them on the head every other weekend and send them back to mom” or something of that order. Sometimes I think God has a huge sense of humor. These are the things I learned that first week of stepmom training camp. You can’t go to the water park and leisurely read a magazine when you have a six and seven year old and that they can get lost after they get off a big slide. Thank God for other parents and water park security. Six year olds aren’t as experienced with bathroom hygiene as adults and they aren’t timid when summoning help. For those of you who have experienced it, imagine my reaction when opening the bathroom stall door and the pootsky of a six year staring me in the face! I was horrified. Also learned that you don’t give a kid a 32 ounce Coke after 8:00 pm at night. Had absolutely no clue they go to bed at 8:00 p.m.

Remember one night very well. Returning to the apartment that was “missing the rest of it” (that is still hilarious to me today) well after 11:00 p.m. from our adventures at Disney and suddenly realized we had not spoken to Ron the entire day. Cell phone batteries didn’t last long back then and I couldn’t remember the telephone number at our apartment! After our first married argument, finally got the kids snuggled into the bed (yes we were all in the same bed in our tiny one bedroom apartment that really wasn’t all there) falling to sleep and dreaming about being at a day spa.. and being in steam room.. could feel the nice steam.. aaahh…then suddenly awoke and realized it was not a dream and it wasn’t steam! Little did I know that Trent occasionally couldn’t quite make it through the night without a visit to the bathroom and this particular night the 32 ounce soda didn’t help matters any. Yuck. Did I mention our tiny corporate apartment that didn’t come equipped with any spare linens. Also learned another fun fact that night. There is a 24 hour laundry mat at the intersection of Highway 434 and Interstate 5 in Orlando.

The honeymoon was over. Decided the safe bet next day was to stay put in the apartment. Ron called (about every hour) to check on my progress in stepmom camp and the kids safety. By early afternoon, I had regained enough of my senses (I thought) to embark upon my next stepmom endeavor and let the kids walk by themselves to the playground at the apartment. I figured it was fine since my Mom let me go to the park 20+ years ago with no problem. Gee, what could have changed since then other than recent news reports of a 6 year old being recently abducted only two miles from the apartment complex we lived in! On Ron’s next check in call you could hear him stop breathing when I provided my latest kid status update. Nothing short of an APB we safely rounded up the kids in a few minutes. Ron spent the rest of the afternoon at the apartment.

I vowed the third official day of stepmom training camp to be a success and only allowed the kids to play immediately behind our tiny apartment (that wasn’t really all there anyway) in clear view of the opened doorway. Wow, I never realized fire ants could be found so close to an apartment. Needless to say, day three of camp was equally as challenging as the previous. Fortunately, with nearly fifteen years of step parenting to my credit and hundreds of funny stories behind me, I survived the first five years of stepmom camp and enjoyed every minute of it until things took a turn for the worst.

I’m ashamed to admit it but it was my fault. I had made it through the kids elementary school years with a great relationship with Jane and the kids. As Trent and Lauren grew into the pre-teen years and moved into middle school, the dynamics were changing in my relationship with them and their mother. In grade school, I was the “super stepmom” attending virtually all of their events and “parent” volunteering for many school activities. Middle school, however, seemed a different and new playing
field. It seemed to me that step parents became “less cool” and unimportant. My perception also got the best of me and I also felt less respected and not appreciated for all that I did. I had convinced myself that I had been “demoted” from super step mom to wicked step mom almost overnight!

I’ll never forget it. My five year relationship with Jane went down the tubes one weekend afternoon early in the middle school years when I got offended because I wasn’t invited to Lauren’s first boy/girl birthday party. What! I was the super stepmom. How dare you not invite the very person who had organized the colossal birthday parties in the grade school years? Frankly, I was jealous. Her future new stepdad-to-be was invited but not me! I wasn’t jealous, I was mad. They were going to have a DJ, check-in station and lots of fun and I wasn’t even on their radar.

Knowing the party was going on without me, I experienced a lot a pain that weekend. Crying as I write now, it was painful. They no longer “needed” me. After all I had done. They did not love me. I was rejected. I started to boil and felt I would explode. That Monday, I was out for blood. Why turn to Jesus, I was going to make someone pay. I was going to handle this myself. I called her. It went to voice mail. Even better! Left a message that could have sunk most battleships let alone put an end to a great five year relationship with someone I really cared about. That will teach her to disrespect me. Yes I was a hypocrite. The Bible study “queen”. You could have spotted me a mile away. The one we can all spot a mile away. Should have had my tiara on..

Since Jane is not the shy type, she fired a prize winning message back to me. “My kids hate coming to your house!”.. Words that absolutely paralyzed me and still bring back tears and memories of how I knew I had sabotaged all that I spent five years developing. The love that I felt for the kids was only one sided. I was devastated. But I started it. She was totally innocent. She had called me as a friend to recap all the pre-teen “drama” that had happened at the party. All the fun. All the fun without me. I started to get mad again. I am not returning her call. I hate her.

Another day passed. Jane is the type that may get upset initially but is able to forgive and forget in order to move on to what’s next…the kid’s weekend schedule. Me, I internalize things and try to bury them deep inside me only to eventually explode  because of not letting them go. You know my type. Trust me. From experience, if you must, go ahead and explode and move on. The results are sooo much better! To my surprise, two days later she called to say she was sorry. What did she have to be sorry about?

This was my fault. As I was walking into Bible study (and not wanting to mess up my makeup by crying) I knew if I was going to solve this with her, I was going to have to be authentic. I was going to have to let her know my real thoughts and emotions. I didn’t call her back that day. I was scared. I was afraid. I was self righteous. I was full of myself. I had taken my eyes off of who I was. I let a few words take root in my soul. I felt unloved. I let my pain feed that offense. I started to believe that I didn’t need her. That she and the kids hated me. That I was unworthy. I went to a deep place. One simple voice mail message on one day turned into a week…then a month…another month…and eventually a year and a half. Can you believe it? We talked almost five times a day for five years. She didn’t even do anything. It was my fault.

You can imagine how great it was when my husband came home a few days later and asked how I felt about moving from Atlanta to Tulsa. I was hesitant at first. For goodness sake, I had just gotten new widow treatments in a new house! I had myself  convinced that Trent and Lauren were going to “want to come to my house” since it was new and bigger. Further, my only experience of Oklahoma was a few visits to Ron’s hometown of Woodward which certainly paled in comparison to any thriving  Atlanta suburb I was accustomed to. And even worse, Tulsa only had one Starbucks and it was inside a Target store no less. The final blow…no Charlotte Russe store!

Starting to get the picture? I was an extremely shallow person. You’re now beginning to see how this particular bible study and a chapter on “unresolved conflict” could open a real can of worms for me. This class was starting to dig me into my grave. I felt I had literally buried all this stuff. No one was supposed to know about this. My secret was supposed to stay buried. New town. No one would ever find out.

The first day bible study assignment was to write down anyone we had unresolved conflict with. I did not hesitate. Jane was first on my list. My father was next, but my journey to resolved conflict with my dad is a whole other story. Just a little snippet on that process, though. My dad and I resolved conflict after almost a lifetime of bitter roots. We have just celebrated our first year of peace…and authenticity. Thank you, Jesus. Whew. Got my list done. Things in my heart were starting to get stirred  up that week..I could feel those bitter roots all over my body…in my back, my heart and my mind. I was aching. I continued to read the lessons and was about to come to the third paragraph on page fifty-two that would forever put my life in  perspective. : “When we refuse to have a heart for the God who commands us to forgive we are open targets for Satan’s schemes. His devices are to divide. To cut us off from one another that he might devour us in sorrow or bitterness and to cut us off from the blessing from God that comes when we forgive as God would have us forgive.”

When we don’t forgive, the lesson went on to explain, Satan will take full advantage and move in like a roaring lion. At this point I was sobbing. Yes, my make-up was a mess! He had forgiven me for so much. Even the time I had gone to jail (that’s  another story too) the angels had worked overtime. Shredding my list of hundreds of bad choices I had made. Why in the world was I holding on to a hurt feeling? Why had I been so self-righteous? As I self reflected that week, I began to see how  holding on to this had manifested itself in my body. I couldn’t sleep. I was overeating and gaining weight. I was angry. My hair was thinning. I was medicating myself with coffee in morning, diet coke in afternoon and wine at night. I was a mess.. Until  that chapter in that book, I thought life was fine. I had an American Express card and a new Starbucks that opened by my house. Lovely home, awesome kids and a husband that adored me... and all the time in the world to scrapbook. I was “happy.”

NOT!!! That week was powerful. What kept going on in my mind was what blessings I could be blocking from my life by not forgiving? Wow. There goes my selfish nature again. Could God really have something planned for me? Could resolving this with Jane add value to my life? Had a total meltdown in class… blubbering... sobbing... make-up everywhere. In contemplation of “the call” to Jane to clean up the mess I made, through the tears, in the middle of a Bible study and in a room full of women who were no longer just acquaintances, I told the class how intimidating she was and she would probably hang up on me. I cried on. It finally came out that I was just afraid. I was experiencing the other big F word. FEAR! What if she rejected me? Hung up  on me? What if she hated me? I was terrified to call her. It was PRIDE. It is such a horrible thing. I was too prideful to even begin to push through the fear.

Through my homework that week, Kay Auther’s assurances to me were that it was easier than I thought. All I had to do was say “HELP ME JESUS!” and he would. It wasn’t any harder than that. I could stop carrying the burden. He would help me if I just  asked. That simple. I didn’t have to figure it out. Jesus would show me how to do it and give me the right words to say. That was it. I could sit back and he would do all the work? Are you kidding me? Nope. So I just threw in the towel and said I am giving  You this mess.

Two days later while I was vacuuming the endorphins were going and I could feel it was time. I argued with God a little because I had just wanted to send a letter. He said “No way, baby. You’ve tried it your way. No we’re gonna do it my way.” Locked bedroom door. Unrehearsed, I picked up phone dialed her cell phone. Couldn’t believe I even remembered the number after a year and a half. She answered. Remember, I didn’t have to worry what to say. Jesus was going to help me. The words that came out of my mouth were not mine. “Jane, this is Tammy. I just want you to know how much I love you and will you please forgive me? I can’t tell you how much those words to her changed my life; my kids lives and many others. I didn’t come up with them. You get that, right? But, when I sat back and handed it over to Jesus he took over. Shortly after that telephone call I flew to Atlanta and resolved my relationship with her and the kids in person. She invited me to watch the kids as she went on a trip with her new husband. She paid for my round trip airfare to Atlanta and I slept at her house in her bedroom. This is the kind of power God has.

I had a great week with the kids, seeing friends and family and shopping at the Atlanta Apparel Mart. I had worked at the mart in my 20’s as a sales rep for the trendiest clothing lines from LA so always loved going to mart seeing all my old friends and shopping for myself. That day, I bought two fun purses. I remember when I bought them. One was a sequined purse with three ladies shopping with Marilyn Monroe in a scene from “How to Marry a Millionaire.” The other featured a girl and a  “Tonight/Not Tonight” slogan outlined in sequins. I went back and forth and finally bought both. After all, I was there with my girlfriends shopping so the designs kind of celebrated the day. Returning to Tulsa the following week, people would follow me to ask “where did you get that purse?” It was all kind of weird and uncanny.

I told Ron about all of the clamor over a couple of fashion purses. His feedback was “maybe you should start selling them?” During my career in the business, I had only been a wholesaler...not retail…but thought I could figure it out. One night while lying in bed I started thinking about the bible study and the question “what blessings are you blocking from your life? What does He have in store for you that you are missing out on?” A light bulb went off in my head. Purses? Surely you’re kidding me? Is this the “blessing”? The plan for me?

I woke up in the middle of the night and could not get the word “Purse-a-nality” out of my head. Was there a connection? The next day, a MasterCard with a generous credit line showed up in the mail with my name on it. Bizarre. Am I supposed to use  this to start my business? At the same time, a friend was starting a jewelry business and invited me to tag along with her at a home show and bring purses to sell? Was this what God had planned for me when I forgave? Almost nine years later as the  owner of a successful and growing business, Purse-a-nality, I personally believe it was! Through my business, I have also been blessed with the opportunity to share this testimony of forgiveness with thousands of others over the years and provide the  catalyst for many to overcome their own challenges with broken relationships and forgiveness. More so than the success of my business, this has been the most rewarding.

What I do know for sure is that forgiveness has changed my life. Resolving conflict is not easy, but if you ask for help, God is faithful in doing so. I know what I do has nothing to do with purses. That was simply the vehicle He chose. It was something I  could relate to and became the foundation for a bigger ministry. I also know for sure that everyone who reads this that God has a specific purpose for your life. Listen to him and he will guide you and lead you. And one last thing and I promise I am done.  I thank God each day for all that I have. There is no other way possible that a carefree rollerblader with a love for sales and marketing could be so blessed. He combined my love of skating, my love of selling and my dream to own my own business and led me to where I am today. I just needed to get out of his way and ask for help. It was easy! HELP ME JESUS!!